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Something I realized as I have gotten older was that depression is almost like a side effect to life. Every day there is no sun. Sometimes, I break down in tears. Sometimes, I find comfort in the hot showers, or comfort in the little things people do. It’s not fair that innocent people go through bad things. I think in a way the depression stemmed from my mom, and the way her and her boyfriend fought, and the way she abandoned me and made me feel less than a person, almost like I didn’t deserve love from anyone, the breakdowns at one point became more than I could handle,

So I resorted to isolation. You know those questions the doctor would ask, “Have you felt down or depressed” you would rate it on a scale, this is the part where I would tell them “I’m fine” “I have felt really happy lately.” It was a lie, I didn’t want to tell them how I felt, because then they would ask “What is making you feel that way?” I quite frankly didn’t know, I guess I also learned to keep my head down, I stopped talking to my parents about things and went back into this deep dark hole, And in a way I guess that’s where I’m at right now, I started taking anti-depression medication, I did before but stopped because I felt numb, Now I’m back on them and I feel myself collapsing almost like a ship going under the ice, I have fought for so long its getting tiring, my parents tell me I make up excuses to be sad, I don’t. You think someone wants to feel sad every day?? Its exhausting, I guess I almost feel comfort in the sad, It’s been around so long I’m getting used to it, There is a book quote I love, “sometimes pain gets so loud we don’t hear the love” I don’t feel loved all of time, I feel love from my best friends at school, and that one boy in California and the girl in Oregon, sometimes the people we love are far, and that’s okay, I have had to accept that with my mom, she is far but not one day goes by I don’t think about her, even when close she feels so far away. She was taken away from me by drugs, and always chose them and it made me feel like the biggest loser in the world, I understand she loves me but it feels like she loves the drugs more. She left and now I don’t wanna get close to people because what if they leave me, I hate feeling this hurt, it is constant and draining me, I just wanna feel okay, I don’t wanna feel like everything is dark, I guess I also found friends are just a distraction, it’s fun to be with them but as soon as I’m home, Instant feeling of self-worth is taken, “Am I annoying?” “Did I talk too much?”

Overthinking is the death of me, I feel like I ruin everything with it, I know I’m a good person, But what if that is just me saying that to compensate for things I have done? I don’t know maybe I’m being over dramatic, I guess my goal is for people to understand that your problems matter just as much as the next person, I have been trying to focus on some good aspects of life, just the fact that I’m here living is enough to make me happy, I have been through a lot of things I didn’t deserve but they made me a stronger person, I’m slowly starting to learn my worth, I deserve to feel happy and so does everyone on this planet, And yeah what’s going on stings and it’s so painful, watching my mom hurt is numbing and I want it to stop but everyday I’m trying to help myself, and one day I’m gonna make it out and so is the person reading this, you have to get through it and fight, yeah it’s hard – I know- but I think we all deserve a chance.